Sunday Morning Coffee — December 30, 2018 — There’s Hope for Christmas After All


Jews of America, let’s unite.

Let’s stop getting pushed around every December 25. Let’s stop being at the whim of our goyisha friends, fine people all, who hold us hostage every Christmas Day with the closing of their shops and restaurants and our wallets.

We have proven through the years to be a creative bunch – look what we did with a candle for eight days – but having to manufacture something to do every Christmas until the Chinese restaurants open is sometimes a burden too big for any of us to shoulder. Let my people go.

Sure, we usually find a movie theater that’s open but then we kvetch about how cold the theater was, and the sound was so loud, or the seats were so uncomfortable – and why won’t those people behind us quit gabbing already? Complaining, after all, is a right of passage for us, like a bris or b’nai mitzvah.

And heaven forbid we get to the Chinese restaurant and there’s a wait. Jews don’t take kindly to waiting. We pace. A lot. And we make sure the host sees us pacing. So then we can pace some more. And we finally get a table but it’s not a round table? There’s a minyan of us from Del Boca Vista and we don’t have a round table? How much longer do we have to wait for one? Shall I pace?

And why are the Chinese joints the only ones open, anyway? Don’t the Chinese celebrate Christmas? And if there’s really a trade war with China that’s been shredding our portfolios, how are the restaurants getting product? You say the crab rangoon actually came from New Jersey? Oh vey.

And why are all our tribe’s delis closed for Christmas? That one just doesn’t make any sense.

Every Passover, toward the end of seder, we say a prayer that “Next year (we celebrate) in Jerusalem.”  But nobody really thinks they’ll be in Jerusalem the next year, it’s just something we say, like ‘gesundheit.’  And if we were to miss seder because we’re in Jerusalem, how could we be guaranteed we’d have the same seats at the table the following year? Jews are very territorial when it comes to seating. Anal. Just try switching seats in synagogue on Rosh Hashana and see the donnybrook that follows. Yarmulke and tallit flying all over the place until the rabbi restores shalom.

While we won’t be in Jerusalem for Passover anytime soon, how about next Christmas in Las Vegas?

Christmas Day for Jews is like being sent to detention. You just sit and sit and wait and wait until it’s over. But not out here. My first in Vegas was truly better than grandma’s Saturday night latkes. Everything is open!

With some 320,000 tourists expected on The Strip between Christmas and New Year’s, the hotels can’t afford to have any of it go dark on December 25. The shopping malls and hotel casinos are bustling with activity. It’s far from playing solitaire to dawn with a deck of fifty-one.

Wanna roll dice on Christmas morning? Come on out. Blackjack too.

Don’t want to wait until five for dinner? No problem. Coffee shops and buffets roll all day and steakhouses and Italian joints open for dinner.

Or you can spend some time with one of Santa’s playmates at Spearmint Rhino. A prime table awaits. Just bring plenty of dollar bills.

Wanna make believe it’s not Christmas? Run over to one of the legal dispensaries and believe it’s anything you want it to be, or forget what it actually is.

It’s not a desert mirage but the Mirage is jumping. It’s all here and goes full bore whether it’s Christmas Eve or Arbor Day. 

So my fellow Hebs, let’s unite. Next year let’s party during Christmas morning mass like it’s Purim in Tel Aviv.

And after we finish the Bellagio buffet we can stop for a nosh of sugar-free rugelach. We have that out here on Christmas, too.


11 Responses
  1. Lew Matusow

    I knew it! I knew it!

    “We’re moving to Vegas to be closer to the boys.”

    What a crock!

    Your well written (expected of course) discourse on Jews and Christmas (we saw Aquaman along with 8 other Jews) finally reveals the REAL reason for the move; no waiting (and the prerequisite pacing) for meals on Christmas.

    Mystery solved!

  2. Jonathan Miller

    Hysterical!!

    I actually love Christmas. My favorite day of the year. The world goes to sleep, and we Jews own the place. Everyone you see is Jewish. Even the Chinese waiters are Jewish. Happy times, every Christmas

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